There has always been a tendency for parents and grandparents to try and swoop in to make things all better. That might be fine for a two-year-old, but when it’s a 20-year-old…that is a problem. – Clint Decker
Dr. Jeffery Bernstein tells the story of Jasper. He was a 26-year-old that could only hold down a job for a few months at a time. His explanations for quitting were “toxic environments”, “unfair management” and other excuses. But each time he quit, his mom would come in for the rescue. Feeling guilty, she would pay his rent to help him get on his feet again. It was a vicious cycle that was not getting Jasper nor his mom anywhere. Bernstein wrote, “If you try to "save" your adult child every time they are in trouble, you may be making things worse in the long run.” (Image by danabehavioralhealth.org)
Since the beginning of time, it seems there has always been a tendency for parents or grandparents to try and swoop in to make things all better. That might be fine for a two-year-old, but when it is still being done for a 20-year-old…that is a problem.
One author says, “Rescuing, also called enabling, happens when a person feels the responsibility to minimize the consequences of someone else’s bad choices.” As a parent, friend or co-worker we need to stop this. How will the people we love become mature, independent, responsible adults if we continually allow their problems to become our problems, that we solve for them.
- Why are you paying your 30-year-old son’s cell phone bill?
- Why are you giving money to a friend who has an addiction, and is likely using it to feed his problem?
- Why do you keep stepping in and contacting your daughter’s teachers or coaches, and making excuses for her?
- Why do you keep putting off having a needed conversation with a friend that keeps taking advantage of you?
When is this going to end? And ultimately, it is about…you. You feel guilty so you rescue. You do not want arguments or accusations, so you step in. The situation might make you look bad, so you fix it.
What does God have to say about this? He wrote, “For each will have to bear his own load.” (Galatians 6:5) Bearing a burden is one thing. In that, we come alongside people and help them carry what is troubling them. However, bearing a load is different. This speaks of personal responsibility, and things someone has to answer to God for. This is about teaching those we love and warning them, but then at some point, stepping back and letting them bear the load of the consequences from their own choices. This means not bailing your son out of jail again but letting him sit there. It means not putting gas in your daughter’s car again, because she did not manage her money well and forcing her to figure things out on her own.
The famous John 3:16 Bible verse speaks on this issue, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” God is the ultimate parent here. He commands all people to believe in Jesus, then states what will happen if someone chooses not to…they will perish. This is about boundaries and consequences. We see this throughout the whole Bible.
Lovingly stepping back and choosing to allow someone to fail and experience pain is an unfortunate but necessary teacher. And when we step back, we are allowing someone else to step in…God. It is an act of love and trust. King Solomon wrote, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) We should love someone enough to stop trying to rescue them with hopes they might change. God hung the stars. He raises the sun every morning. He provides the sparrow with its food. He can do this. Step back and allow God to work.
A prayer for you – Lord God, I pray for the people who are continually rescuing and excusing those they love from bad choices. Help them to see how harmful their actions are. Help them to step back and release their loved one into your hands. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Today, nearly 80% of young people are choosing to live together with someone before marriage. – Clint Decker
Allie Volpe, a reporter with Vox, tells the story of Matt and Aloria. The two began dating and soon started sleeping together most nights. Then after a couple of years they talked and decided they were committed for the long-haul, so a decision was made to move in together. Then a year later, Matt proposed and soon Matt and Aloria were married. (Photo by Chen on Unsplash)
Volpe begins her article with this story, highlighting how the young couple illustrates a new normal in dating. She states, “A 2021 analysis of National Survey of Family Growth data found that among those aged 18 to 44 who married between 2015 and 2019, 76 percent of couples cohabitated first; that was true of just 11 percent of marriages between 1965 and 1974.” Today, nearly 80% of young people are choosing to live together with someone before marriage. And also growing, is the number of couples avoiding marriage, and just choosing to live together.
Is all this just the changing of the times, similar to how technological developments, music tastes, or clothing styles change? Is that all this is? Do the older generations need to accept that sex and cohabitation are the new standard practices of dating? Do grandparents need to recognize that marriage was preferred for them, but for the up-and-coming generation, living together is the superior option? Or is there something more going on?
Sex outside of marriage and co-habitation are moral issues, unlike musical tastes and clothing styles, and the normalization of this is alarming and dangerous. God says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” (Hebrews 13:4) This is not about the views of the church or grandparents, this is ultimately a spiritual issue about what God has to say. He clearly says that sex outside of marriage is dishonoring to Him and the institution of marriage He created. He speaks very directly saying that those who persist in being sexually immoral will face His judgement. These are not meant to be harsh words, but instead a firm and loving warning.
God is not forcing anyone to do anything, because He created us with a sense of self-determination, where we can make our own choices. But God also recognizes the law of unintended consequences, where we do not know, what we do not know. Due to His all-knowing power, He can see into the future and knows the implications of our future actions. Therefore, out of love, He warns about the danger ahead. He sees the chance for an unplanned pregnancy. He sees the possibility of a sexually transmitted disease. He sees the risk of your boyfriend or girlfriend that you have given yourself to, just walking away. He sees the impact of the second, third or fourth person that you have given your body and soul to through sexual intercourse. He sees the likelihood of children being raised by unmarried parents, or multiple stepdads and moms or future boyfriends and girlfriends that come and go, affecting your children’s development with a lack of stability or prospects of abuse.
The Scripture says, “Surely there is not a righteous [a perfect] man on earth who does good and never sins.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20) If you have fallen short of God’s standard you are not the only who has failed. We are all guilty. If you have failed in the area of sexual sin, God opens His arms wide and says, “Come unto me.” He demonstrates this through Jesus, His beloved Son when He died and rose again. In Jesus, you can find freedom and sufficiency. He invites you to find everything you need in Him. Come to Jesus and find new life today.
A prayer for you – Lord God, I pray especially for the young in our nation. I pray for those who are choosing to not get married, but live with their boyfriends or girlfriends. Give them ears to hear your council. Draw them by your Spirit to trust in you and follow in your ways. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Even though I was a pastor’s son and had been in church since I was three, for the first time in my life I was seeking God on my own. – Clint Decker
Even though I was a pastor’s son and had been in church since I was three, for the first time in my life I was seeking God on my own. One morning as I was praying, suddenly it felt like a flash of light that beamed through my soul. Something had happened to me. I sensed instant peace, joy and love like I had never known. Then while at work I started weeping as the presence of God came over me. Soon I started listening to preachers on the radio, bought study books to help me better understand the Bible and began talking with others about Jesus, along with many other changes. (Image by Point of Life Church)
I had become born again.
This idea came from Jesus out of a conversation He had with a man named, Nicodemus. He was a gifted and well-known religious leader in Israel. He heard Jesus teach and became curious, so Nicodemus sought out Jesus saying to Him, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher come from God, for no one can do these signs that you do unless God is with him.” (John 3:2) Jesus responded, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” (Jn. 3:3).
Jesus was aware that Nicodemus, nor His own disciples, had heard Him speak of this before, so like any of us would have done, Nicodemus asked a very logical question, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” (Jn. 3:4)
Jesus explained how He was using the birth of a child as an illustration, “…unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.” (Jn. 3:5-6) Jesus was communicating how there is human birth (flesh) and there is spiritual birth (Spirit), and for someone to enter the kingdom of God, they must go through a spiritual birth.
What does born again mean? First, it is an illustration of life. All of us were born under the curse of sin, which means we were born spiritually dead. Therefore, to enter the kingdom of heaven we need to come alive. We need the supernatural life of Jesus to come dwell within us. Second, being born again, means that since we have been re-born, we also have become a new person. The new life Jesus has created in us has given a new way of thinking and living. Our values, choices and beliefs have all changed. Third, being born again means we have been re-born by the Spirit, not the flesh. Being re-born is something only God can do. Going to church, getting baptized, taking the eucharist, going through catechism – all those are good things, but they are done by you. You cannot be born again through those efforts, but only by the power of God. Jesus addressed this with Nicodemus, “Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” (Jn. 3:7-8)
How can you become born again? Jesus told Nicodemus “…so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life.” (Jn. 3:14-15) Jesus said that He will be lifted up on a cross to die and rise again for all people, and it will be done to provide a way for all who are dead in their sin, to be re-born. And when they turn from their sin and trust in Christ with all their heart, they will be made alive!
A prayer for you – Lord God, I pray for spiritual leaders like Nicodemus and those who regularly attend church. May they humble themselves to examine their hearts if they have been born again, and if they have not, may they call upon you and be changed today. Help them to turn from religion and to Christ. In His name. Amen.
