Stop Fixing Your Kid’s Problems

There has always been a tendency for parents and grandparents to try and swoop in to make things all better. That might be fine for a two-year-old, but when it’s a 20-year-old…that is a problem. – Clint Decker

Dr. Jeffery Bernstein tells the story of Jasper. He was a 26-year-old that could only hold down a job for a few months at a time. His explanations for quitting were “toxic environments”, “unfair management” and other excuses. But each time he quit, his mom would come in for the rescue. Feeling guilty, she would pay his rent to help him get on his feet again. It was a vicious cycle that was not getting Jasper nor his mom anywhere. Bernstein wrote, “If you try to "save" your adult child every time they are in trouble, you may be making things worse in the long run.” (Image by danabehavioralhealth.org)

Since the beginning of time, it seems there has always been a tendency for parents or grandparents to try and swoop in to make things all better. That might be fine for a two-year-old, but when it is still being done for a 20-year-old…that is a problem.

One author says, “Rescuing, also called enabling, happens when a person feels the responsibility to minimize the consequences of someone else’s bad choices.” As a parent, friend or co-worker we need to stop this. How will the people we love become mature, independent, responsible adults if we continually allow their problems to become our problems, that we solve for them.

• Why are you paying your 30-year-old son’s cell phone bill?

• Why are you giving money to a friend who has an addiction, and is likely using it to feed his problem?

• Why do you keep stepping in and contacting your daughter’s teachers or coaches, and making excuses for her?

• Why do you keep putting off having a needed conversation with a friend that keeps taking advantage of you?

When is this going to end? And ultimately, it is about…you. You feel guilty so you rescue. You do not want arguments or accusations, so you step in. The situation might make you look bad, so you fix it.

What does God have to say about this? He wrote, “For each will have to bear his own load.” (Galatians 6:5) Bearing a burden is one thing. In that, we come alongside people and help them carry what is troubling them. However, bearing a load is different. This speaks of personal responsibility, and things someone has to answer to God for. This is about teaching those we love and warning them, but then at some point, stepping back and letting them bear the load of the consequences from their own choices. This means not bailing your son out of jail again but letting him sit there. It means not putting gas in your daughter’s car again, because she did not manage her money well and forcing her to figure things out on her own.

The famous John 3:16 Bible verse speaks on this issue, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” God is the ultimate parent here. He commands all people to believe in Jesus, then states what will happen if someone chooses not to…they will perish. This is about boundaries and consequences. We see this throughout the whole Bible.

Lovingly stepping back and choosing to allow someone to fail and experience pain is an unfortunate but necessary teacher. And when we step back, we are allowing someone else to step in…God. It is an act of love and trust. King Solomon wrote, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) We should love someone enough to stop trying to rescue them with hopes they might change. God hung the stars. He raises the sun every morning. He provides the sparrow with its food. He can do this. Step back and allow God to work.

A prayer for you – Lord God, I pray for the people who are continually rescuing and excusing those they love from bad choices. Help them to see how harmful their actions are. Help them to step back and release their loved one into your hands. In Jesus’ name. Amen.