Choosing to Love and Forgive My Dad

This is not a February valentine column about a love between a man and woman.  Rather, it is about a complex love between a father and son.

 Recently, my wife and I watched Ragamuffin, a movie about the life of Rich Mullins, a musical prodigy, and the difficult relationship he had with his verbally and emotionally abusive father.  It reminded us of another movie, I Can Only Imagine, about the life of singer, Bart Millard, and the difficulties he too had with his father, who physically abused him. 

The movies connected with audiences because, unfortunately, so many have stories of broken relationships with their dads.  I had a difficult one with my father.  He was a pastor and my parents had four children, of which I am the youngest.  He was a complicated man who had a strained relationship with nearly every member of our immediate and extended family.  On one occasion, when I shared with him that God had called me into the ministry, I mistakenly assumed his support.  Instead he stated, “You’re going to need to go to college and you weren’t a very good student.  I don’t know how you’re going to make it.”  From that moment until I left for college, a year and a half later, my dad was the greatest challenge I faced in leaving to prepare for a career in ministry. The day I left home was one of the darkest days of my life.  I was so angry.  I cried, screamed and pounded my steering wheel from Colorado to Kansas.  

But that day of despair turned to hope by the providence of God.  One of my first classes was Pastoral Counseling.  Every day, it seemed as if Dr. Larry Fine was talking directly to me about my hurt, anger and unforgiveness toward my dad.  That semester started me on a 26-year journey toward learning to love my father.  That journey reached a milestone in my 30s.  As my dad and I talked on the phone and came near the end, it became quiet.  Silence.  Then I realized my dad was still there, but he was unable to speak.  He was weeping.  Eventually, he gathered himself and whispered, “I love you son.”  Then I heard a click.  It became the first memory of my father telling me he loved me on his own.  It was a powerful moment.

On November 13, 2017, my father suddenly died of pancreatic cancer. When he passed away, I had no regrets. There was nothing but peace in my heart. Years earlier, I had forgiven him and accepted him as he was, not as I wanted him to be. My father did not make it easy. Even so, the Scripture says, "Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense" (Proverbs 19:11). By God’s grace, He continually enabled me (though sometimes I failed) to be slow to anger and quick to show love by overlooking his faults.
 

There are too many who are living with anger, unforgiveness or even hate toward their dads.  If that is you, you do not need to live that way anymore.  You have no control over your father.  He will face God for what he has done, but you – you have a choice.  Your anger and unforgiveness is a terrible sin against God and is destroying you.  Stop it!  Lay down your pride and defiance.  Humble yourself and ask God for His divine help to love and forgive.  Break the chains! 

 A prayer for you to pray– “Lord God, I pray for the readers that are angry toward their dad.  The things their father has done has caused great pain and division.  Enable them to forgive, to release their father to you.  To accept and love him just as he is.  Do for them, what they cannot do for themselves.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.”

Where is God in Your New Year?

A long time ago there was a King named David.  His Kingdom had grown, and he became great in the eyes of his people and surrounding nations.  One day he decided to take a census to see how large a Kingdom he had.  He was highly regarded as a godly man, but in this case, he neglected God.  David’s military general questioned the wisdom of the order, but David persisted so the census was carried out.  Eventually, David received his numbers and was pleased.  However, God was angry and severely disciplined David’s neglect and pride.

This ancient story from the Bible reminds me of our day.  The mainstream of thought being broadcast to hundreds of millions is to enter a new year without any consideration of God.  Through a casual survey of radio stations, articles, news items, podcasts and videos about the upcoming year, most of the content is godless. 

The Scriptures give us advice on this saying, “Come now, you who say ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life?  For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”  (James 4:13-14)

Neglecting to seek out God’s counsel in our decisions, is like not checking the weather conditions before heading out on a trip through the Rocky Mountains in the middle of winter.  Logically, it does not make sense.  God is our Creator and being so, it seems logical that we should go to Him for help.  He is all-knowing.  He knows about our problems and the burdens we bear more than we do.  He can see them in complete detail, knowing all the facts and solutions.  God is all-powerful.  No matter the challenges we will face in 2019, they are not too big for God.  He is the God of the impossible.  The God of miracles.  The God of the supernatural.  Nothing is a challenge for Him.  Additionally, God is mysterious.  No one can see Him.  He is an unseen Spirit that fills the universe.  However, He has sent us a Messenger to communicate to us what He is like – Jesus.  Do you wonder, “Who is this God I should be involving in my decisions?  What is He like?”  You can discover first-hand by learning about Jesus, His only Son, through the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in the Bible.  There you will learn about Him through the stories and teachings of Jesus.     

What you will discover is the main reason why we neglect to invite God into our plans, hopes and dreams.  It is us.  The pride and spirit of independence in our hearts resist yielding to the wisdom of God.  The writers and talkers all around us refer to believing in yourself and achieving your hopes and dreams.  They encourage this pride and independence.  But to receive all that God has for you, you must willingly lay down your life.

Jesus illustrated this, when He suffered and died on the cross.  He laid down His life, not for His own interests, but for the interests of God His Father and the multitudes of others, like you and me.  As a result, three days later, He rose again from the dead.  When we lay down what we want and choose to follow God’s ways, admittedly, there’s a high cost to pay, but if we remain faithful, there is also a great blessing.

A prayer for you to pray– “Lord God, as I begin a new year, I apologize for not always putting you first in 2018.  I often put my desires and plans ahead of you.  I am sorry for neglecting you.  Today, I begin a new year by choosing to turn from my ways and put my trust in Jesus and follow Him with all my heart, no matter the cost.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.”

Sin. The Reason for The Season

Legendary country singer Johnny Cash is one of many artists that have recorded the famous Christmas carol, Silent Night.  I can usually get the first verse by memory, but the second I always need a little help.  It goes like this, “Silent night!  Holy night!  Shepherds quake at the sight; Glories stream from heaven afar.  Heavenly hosts sing, “Alleluia!  Christ the Savior is born!  Christ the Savior is born!” 

Savior.  It is a word that shows up in many Christmas carols and it is used a lot around Christmastime.  Jesus’ name means “Savior” and it conveys the idea of to save or deliver. 

Jesus was a Jew and in His culture the meaning of someone’s name carried great significance.  It was not given to Him by His parents though, as was typical.  In a stunning event, an angel from heaven announced a message from God to Joseph and Mary, saying they would have a child and “. . . you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins” (Matthew 1:21).

This beautiful and miraculous little baby was destined to grow up and provide a way for all mankind to be delivered from their sins.  This is where the American version of Christmas loses some of its glitter.  It is a statement of truth to say, sin is the reason for Christmas.  If there was no sin, there would be no need for a Christmas Savior. 

Sin is an unseen spiritual element that lives in each of our souls.  It is an evil that dwells inside us.  This mysterious presence reveals itself with every subtle lie, burst of anger or gleaming sign of pride we show.  It condemns us before our Creator to eternal death.  This is who we are, but most likely we cannot imagine thinking about ourselves this way when opening Christmas presents, gathering for holiday dinners or solemnly singing Silent Night. 

We generally think of ourselves as good people.  Not perfect by any means, but to say evil lives within us and that we are sinners sitting under the judgment of God, does not sound very merry.  Even so, it is true. 

The good news of Christmas is that Jesus came to deliver you from your sin.  He grew up to suffer, die, be buried and rise again from the dead.  When He rose, He conquered sin and death.  He rose to give you a new heart, new mind and new life. 

The good news of Christmas is truly good, but you cannot appreciate it until you understand and accept the bad news about your condition.  No matter how you think of yourself.  No matter how others perceive you.  Before God you are a sinner with a dark and evil heart.  When you accept that, you will begin to understand why Jesus was born to be your Savior.  Then you will behold the glory and wonder of Christmas like never before.     

A prayer for you to pray– “Lord God, help me to see myself as you see me.  I am a sinner with a dark and evil heart.  Help me to see how Jesus came to be my Savior from my sin.  Oh God, forgive me.  Take my life.  Change me.  Be the Lord of my life this Christmas.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.”