When I Forgave My Father

When my father suddenly passed away, I had no regrets. There was nothing but peace in my heart. Years earlier, I had forgiven him and accepted him as he was, not as I wanted him to be. – Clint Decker

My wife and I watched Ragamuffin, a movie about the life of Rich Mullins, a musical prodigy, and the difficult relationship he had with his verbally and emotionally abusive father. We also saw another movie, I Can Only Imagine, about the life of accomplished singer, Bart Millard, and the difficulties he also had with his father, who physically abused him. (Image by alivecounseling.com)

The movies connected with audiences because so many have stories of broken relationships with their fathers. Maybe similar to Rich Mullins and Bart Millard, it was abuse. For others their fathers neglected them while being gone a lot for work or hobbies. And for some, perhaps they grew up without their dad, because for whatever reason, he was gone and they never knew him or just had no relationship.

On the outside, it looked like I came from the perfect family. I grew up in a Christian home where my dad was a pastor, we went to church regularly and my parents never divorced. Yet, inside the walls of our home, it was a different picture.

My father was a complicated man who had strained relationships with nearly every member of our immediate and extended family on different occasions, including me. During a pivotal moment in my life, I excitedly shared that God had called me into the ministry. I anticipated words of encouragement. Instead he commented, “You’re going to need to go to college, and you weren’t a very good student. I don’t know how you’re going to make it.” From that moment until I left for college my dad was the greatest challenge I faced in my call to the ministry. The day I left home was one of the darkest days of my life. While driving away from my home in Fort Collins, Colorado, to begin my ministry studies, I screamed and pounded my steering wheel in a fit of rage.

However, that dark day turned to hope by the providence of God. Little did I know what God had in store when I arrived at MidAmerica Nazarene University in Olathe, Kansas. One of my classes was Pastoral Counseling. Every day it seemed like Dr. Larry Fine was talking directly to me about the anger towards my father. That started me on a 26-year journey of learning to love my dad. That journey reached a milestone in my 30s when my dad and I were talking on the phone and came near the end of the conversation. It became quiet. Silence. My dad was still there. He had not hung up but was unable to speak. He was weeping. Eventually, he gathered himself and whispered, “I love you son.” Then I heard a click. It became the first memory of my father telling me he loved me. It was a powerful moment I will never forget.

On November 13, 2017, my father suddenly died of pancreatic cancer. When he passed away, I had no regrets. There was nothing but peace in my heart. Years earlier, I had forgiven him and accepted him as he was, not as I wanted him to be.

The Scripture says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:2) At one point in life my disobedience angered God and I deserved His judgement. Yet, He led me to turn from my sin and place my faith in Christ. He truly showed me mercy and undeserved forgiveness.

Consequently, as God showed mercy to me, I learned that I needed to demonstrate that same mercy to my father. God showed me that by His enabling power, I could forgive and show my father the same kindness God showed me in Christ.

There are too many who are living with unforgiveness toward their dads. If that is you, you do not need to live that way anymore. Humble yourself and ask God for His divine help to love and forgive.

A prayer for you – Lord God, I pray for those who are angry toward their fathers. Enable them to forgive and release their fathers to you. To accept and love him just as he is. Do for them, what they cannot do for themselves. In Jesus’ name. Amen.